fraser's window

Oh I am a window cleaner
A decent honest man
With my ladder on my shoulder
And my shammy in my hand.

Back on the round then ...
Uncle Stan’s loving it. He’s still off sick. Stringing it out if you want my opinion on the matter. He’s got me an apprentice called Charlie who is a nephew on his wife’s side. Another berk to add to my collection. Charlie’s a movie nut, keeps quoting scenes from his favourite films, knows all the directors and the writers and everything. It was funny at first but he’s gone to far now.

Anyway, I was dreading going out this morning because House of Fraser’s house is on our round and things were still a bit dicey between us. Word is he doesn’t want to have anything to do with me ever again. Can you see my dilemma? He’s only been back from Spain a couple of days as well. They flew him back first class which I thought was nice. He was still in a bit of a state according to Souness who came round to see me at my mums last night. Souness is still the only one who’s talking to me so I reluctantly let him in for a chat.

“Ee’s got all bloody bandages on him and that la,” Souness said, from somewhere behind his moulting moustache.
“Who has?” I said.
“House of Fraser like.”
“Oh right.”
“Yeah, Ee looks a bloody state Marsh you know what I mean?”
“Right.”
“Looks a bit like that invisible man one.”
“Right.” I got up to make a cup of tea but thought better of it. Instead I went into the hallway and dialled my mobile phone.
“Ya mobbie’s ringing Marsh.”
“Thanks.” I said walking into the living room. I answered the phone and started talking to myself. “Yeah … yeah … yeah … right … fuck me … right … give me 5 minutes.” I hung up. “Sorry mate,” I said walking to the street door and opening it. “You’re gonna have to go mate. I’ve got urgent business to attend to.”
“No worries mate,” said Souness, smiling like the gormless scouser that he was.
“See ya,” I said, shutting the door on him.

Back to today and Fraser’s bedroom window which I’d been putting off till last. I climbed up. The curtains were open. I peered in and low and be-fucking-hold there he was, lying on the bed.
Was he crying?
God he looked bad. Like a blistered strawberry. Poor sod. He had no hair either. Bald as a fucking coot the poor sod. He was moving. His bed was at the other side of the room but I could still see his eyes were open.
Then he turned around stared straight at me.

“Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!” he screamed. “Go awwwwwwwwway!” Then he stood up. He was stark bollock and he standing there he reminded me of Frankenstein’s monster. Suddenly his face went from fear through anger and finally to complete and utter rage and before I knew it he was rushing towards the window and me. Fraser’s bedroom had polished floorboards with a rug on it. He got halfway across the room before slipping on the rug and falling arse over tit. He fell awkward and hit his head on the side of the bed.

He didn’t move.

I looked down at Charlie who was stood at the bottom of the ladder.

“You alright,” he said.

I turned and looked back in at Fraser. Still no movement. Shit. I started down the ladder slowly.
“What?” I said.
“I said are you alright?” said Charlie.
“Never better,” I said.
“You look a bit pale.”
“Yeah. Actually, I do feel a bit dicky now you mention it. I think I’ll go home.”
“Are you not going to finish that last window,” he said.
“No.”
“I’ll do it.”
“It’s fine. It’s already clean.”
“It looks dirty from down here.”
“What the fuck would you know about cleaning windows?” I said.
“I’m just saying.”
“Leave the fucking window alone.”
“There’s no need to talk to me like that.”
“You’re sacked?”
“Eh?”
“I said you’re sacked.”
“You can’t sack me. It’s my uncle Stans round. He’s my boss.”
“Bollocks. You’re sacked. Fuck off.”
“You’ll fucking pay for this mate,” said the lanky streak of piss. Then he slung his shammy in the bucket of soapy water and kicked the bucket of soapy water all over the patio floor.
Cunt!
I slung my bucket of water over him. He screamed. “You bastard.”
“Go on, fuck off!” I said. And he did.
I went home.