uncle norman
i popped round mum and dads last night. uncle norman was there. he's a weird one my mums brother. got a funny way about him. eyes just a little bit too close together for my liking

it’s not just that though. i don't quite know what it is about him to be fair, can't put it into words exactly, it's just a feeling you get when you're in his company, it's like ... the wheel’s spinning but the hamsters dead if you know what I mean?

you won't see him from one month to the next then he'll turn up out of nowhere. open the front door and in he shuffles like charlie babbit from rain-main, straight into the living room where he’ll plonk himself down on the couch and proceed to tell you all about the wonderful adventures he’s having living in dagenham with his dog 'alan'

this'll go on for about half an hour, him not allowing you a word in edgeways, (not that i've anything i want to say to him to be fair though that's hardly the point) then he'll stand up and tell you that he's got to go now cause his bus is coming. how the hell he can see his bus coming through solid brick walls is a fucking mystery to me

i offered him a lift home last night. guess what he says? "no thanks, i'll stick to the bus, save the old legs," then ... before yer can say 'i blame the parents' he's up and shuffling out the door again

how do you deal with people like that?

it's not that he's not welcome at mum and dads though, in fact, i think mum and dad like the company to be fair, it's just, you can't have a two way conversation with the bloke. he just babbles on till his finished then fucks off. and if he’s not talking he’s playing tetris on the gameboy. this one time, mum reckoned she opened the door, he shuffled in playing gameboy, sat down playing gameboy, and left, still playing gameboy. I mean …?

wonder what his score was?

i’m telling yer, he’s one depressing punter my uncle norman. he could bring down a evangelical meeting he could. when you first meet him I wouldn’t put it past you to start watching crime-watch just to see if you could put a wanted poster to the face.

that's not beyond the realms of all possibility either - old norm’ being a mass-murderer and that. he’s definitely got the haircut. a proper charlie manson number if ever i've seen one

old mum and her sisters will be on news at ten banging on about how lovely norman was when he was a kid and all that. then his neighbours will want their say. "he was a bit of a loner was norman, kept himself to himself, but always had a smile ... and he loved his dog 'alan'"

it'll happen i'm telling yer